Spring 2010 – ‘Living Yoga’

My relationship with yoga began in August of 1999, shortly after my appendix ruptured and I nearly died as a result. It took that kind of wake-up call for me to realize that I needed a new path. Some might call it fate, others destiny. I like to think of it as an opportunity that I didn’t let go to waste.

In 1999, I was still living in my home town of Toronto. I was a marketing executive for a high tech company. I was a young, single woman on her own, making good money and enjoying my independence. I had also met a man named Bill, with whom I was in love. At the time, we were carrying on a long-distance relationship between Toronto and New York City.

Life seemed great, except that I was experiencing severe abdominal pain, compounded by violent bouts of nausea, on a regular basis. Several visits to my doctor and the ER did nothing to help the problem. Nobody could figure out what was wrong with me. Finally I found a Chinese naturopath, a wonderful healer named David Lam, who lay his hand on my belly for just a moment, informed me that my suspicion of appendicitis was correct, and told me to go to the hospital for immediate surgery.

I went home and was packing for the hospital when I experienced an episode of such incredible pain that all I could do was lay in a fetal position on my bathroom floor. It was in this moment that I experienced my ‘dark night of the soul’. I am not religious, but I have always harboured a sense of spirituality and savoured a strong connection to a divine higher power. Well, if ever there was a time to call upon this Source, this was it. I began to pray. I remember little of what I said, but this was part of it:

“I don’t want to die now! I’m finally getting this right. I finally met this amazing person that I know I am meant to do incredible things with. I’m happy and I’m starting to understand what my purpose is. If you spare me at this very moment, I promise to stop wasting my time in soulless pursuits and begin serving the world in a way that is my calling. I am ready to surrender and let you guide me.”

Then I lost consciousness and dissolved into blackness. Eventually I was taken to the hospital and admitted to the OR. I awoke from this ordeal with family standing vigil. Bill was en route from New York and when he finally arrived, I let go into a weeping puddle of tears. To this day, I still feel emotional when I remember Bill holding me and whispering in my ear “It’s over”, over and over again. Only after seeing him and hearing this did I believe I had actually survived.

Thankfully, my physical recovery was rapid, but that still meant taking it easy. I couldn’t go back to my normal routine of gym workouts and rollerblading. On the advice of my massage therapist, I decided to try Kaila Kukla’s Flowyoga class. When I called to inquire about her upcoming schedule, I could sense her commitment. Once I was in her class for the first time, I knew I had found my home.

Shortly after I started Flowyoga, Kaila announced that she was going to offer a year-long teacher training course. I knew that I wanted to be a part of this and beginning in January, 2000, I met every week with 20 other Flowyoga students to go deep into our practice. In addition to the study of the postures themselves, we explored, discussed, and meditated on some of the masters, including the Tao Te Ching, Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras, The Ten Madhadvidyas (Hindu Wisdom Goddesses), and more contemporary masters like T.K.V. Desikachar and Erich Shiffmann.

All these masters, including Kaila, were guides pointing me to the universal truth of ‘flowing’ with the experience of my life, letting go of resistance, and gaining a deeper appreciation of the many gifts contained within the present. These sometimes painful, challenging, or difficult lessons brought with them an opportunity for growth and enlightenment. When you’re in the moment, nothing else matters, and life reveals incredible truths and wisdom. I also realized that all I needed as I continued on this path was already hardwired inside me. How refreshing to realize that I didn’t need to access some outside entity/substance/person/thing to find true fulfillment – it was always there! Like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, I always possessed the power to return ‘home’ whenever I wanted to, the yellow brick road being a metaphor for my journey. Looking for home and being home are not mutually exclusive. The key is beginning the journey in the first place.

My whole world began to open up. I began to move further away from my corporate persona and deeper into my practice, meanwhile gaining a stronger sense of myself. I counted away my working hours impatiently, waiting for the opportunity to get back to the ‘mat’. I exchanged my constricting office shoes and power suits for bare feet and stretchy pants. Soon my extra-curricular life seemed far more authentic than my 9 to 5, Monday-to-Friday life. After several months of juggling this split-personality existence, I was hit with the revelation that the universe had heard me way back during that dark August night, and was serving up exactly what I was meant to do. I didn’t dare ignore the signs, for fear that I might not survive another ‘cosmic kick in the ass’.

Within a year, I had quit my well-paying, very secure corporate job and begun teaching yoga full-time. I had heard that once you make a decision with your heart open wide, everything falls into place and the ‘powers that be’ help to give you what you need. Interestingly, the company I was working for was undergoing yet another downsizing, and I was more than happy to take the package and take a walk.

Then, after a year of long-distance dating, Bill moved to Toronto to be with me. This made it easier for me to explore teaching yoga, making a fraction of my salary. This wasn’t all smooth sailing, and there were moments when relics of my former life reared their ugly heads, but running parallel with this was an ever-increasing yoga practice that brought me back to my purpose and truth. There will always be the shadow/demon luring us into egocentric pursuits, but by accessing a state of grace, those demons can be transformed into angels that allow you to see things for the illusions that they are. With that comes the liberation of living yoga.

I realize now that this journey I chose over ten years ago is a constant practice of discovery, surrender, acceptance and mystery that never ceases to inspire and amaze me. By putting my faith and trust in my higher Self, I have been led to a place of peace and contentment, rich with meaning and substance. Bill and I married in 2002. We have two amazing daughters, and we also left the traffic of Toronto for the serenity of beautiful Nova Scotia. I have a devout gathering of yoga students that I lead in Flowyoga on a weekly basis. I continue to be humbled and awed by the impact it has made in their lives as well as mine.

Despite all the fear and uncertainty of that fateful night in August, I’d do it all again. I see now so clearly that it has led me to a place of discovery and revelation that is deeply woven into the tapestry of this brief moment that is my life, beyond space and time.

Alexandra Nedergaard